My daily struggle with teaching manners

I must admit that this is a difficult topic to talk about because I feel so very inadequate when it comes to teaching my girls manners. It has been encouraging to read Barb’s comments the last two days to be reminded that it is a long process, but with children the ages of 8 and 3 you would think I would have it down right? Wrong! It’s not for a lack of trying on my part, but I just feel like the whole world is against me. I really feel like I am swimming up stream in this area because most people do not emphasize good manners or give my children a pass instead of reinforcing those good behaviors. For instance I do not want my children climbing all over my furniture and I expect them to do the same at other people’s homes. But often we go somewhere and the other children are climbing and jumping all over the furniture so inevitably my girls join in. Then I am left undoing everything that just happened in the car on the way home. It doesn’t make sense to them why they can’t so something if other kids can. It just seems like I am in it alone at times.

We started both girls very young to use sign language for many things they could not ask for. Please and thank you were at the top of our list. We actually still communicate at times with them using these signs. It is a great way to quietly remind them to say thank you to someone without embarrassing them by saying something out loud. I guess I am just amazed at how often we still need to remind them to say please and thank you!

We also decided early on that we wanted them to be respectful to their elders so we started by calling people Miss or Mr. and then their first names. We felt saying last names were pretty hard for a two year old so we went with Miss Heidi or Miss Stacy. As Abigail is getting older we are transitioning to last names more often than not. Either way I like the form of respect it conveys to the grown up, and I think it is helpful in teaching our girls there is a difference between those who are older and themselves.

I think the manners I am struggling with most right now are their manners at the table. If any of you have school-age children and join them for lunch, you will be able to relate to this story. The other day I sat in horror as my 8-year-old daughter was literally shoving her pear into her mouth as fast as she could, slurping every bite…pear dripping down her chin, as she continually looked up at the clock to see if she would have time to eat her pickle that was left on her plate. Having only 15 minutes to get your lunch down is not conducive to good manners, but this was unbelievable. But could I really blame her? She is starving (because she eats lunch so late) and she has a limited time to eat that lunch. Again, I feel like I need to undo what she is learning at lunchtime everyday.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that teaching manners as well as values in general would be so difficult. Isn’t that what good parenting is all about? Isn’t it about putting in the work day after day holding onto the fact that it will pay off down the road? Or at least that you are doing your job of being the best parent you can be-trying to give your children the best possible foundation to succeed? I guess I am just in that spot where I feel like I am in an up-hill battle. . . but I do know it is worth the fight. Please be encouraged today that you are not alone!

Manners Matter

When my kids were young, I didn't really think about manners as a 'parenting value'. I don't think many young moms did then. We just told our kids to be 'nice'!

I love how young moms use 'sign language' with their very young children long before they can speak! A simple 'sign' of 'please' or 'thank you' starts the young child to converse with abit of understanding that he/she needs to communicate in a certain way to get what they want.

Manners in conversation takes a long time to teach. It starts as you converse with your child. Eye contact and a kind voice will be duplicated by your child over the years if you are truly consistent with it yourself. Basic courtesy, such as treating your child as a participant in a conversation, is vital as a mom.


Children just naturally 'interrupt' when talking because everything is about them to begin with. It is easier to stop interruptions before they become a habit.

The holidays are a perfect time to work on manners and to build this value into your family.

Start early in November with family dinners. Light a candle and 'practice' manners as a family. Sorry, I wish I could say this only takes a few dinners to instill good habits. It takes years, but you will see progress if you stick with it.

If you entertain during the holidays, include your children for the first 5-10 minutes before you send them off to their bedrooms or to the babysitter. Let them see you and your guests interact. Again, let them be a participant not a performer when you have company. Your child will begin to see what manners are for and will eventually feel good about themselves that they know how to act in a formal setting.

I never found teaching manners was easy but as the years went by, I saw the fruits of my labor.

Start this holiday season and be intentional in passing on good manners.

November!

Two topics come to mind as the holidays approach...Gratefulness and Good Manners. I am opting to write about Good Manners this week, since Good Manners usually produce Gratefulness!


"Proper Manners" is a lost art" etiquette experts lament.

Lest you think this topic isn't for you...see if you can answer these questions:
1. A napkin should be left on your lap:
a. Only when you are eating
b. For as long as your host has a napkin on her lap
c. Just for the main course
d. For the entire meal

2. A proper place setting consists of:
a. Fork to the left of the plate
b. Knife and spoon to the right of the plate
c. Bread plate goes on the left of the dinner plate, glasses on the right
d. All of the above

3. Hold a glass of white wine by;
a. The base of the bowl
b. The stem
c. Whatever is comfortable for you
d. None of the above

4. At an informal gathering, the host serves dishes to their:
a. Left
b. Right
c. There is no set rule
d. The host does not begin serving the meal

Do you think you know all the correct answers? Do you care? Did you read some of the questions thinking it really doesn't matter?

Well, that is probably how kids interpret the importance of manners. Some things 'click' with them and they make it a habit and other manners don't really make sense so they just keep doing what comes naturally for them.

As we prepare for the holidays, a brief review and commitment to good manners is in order. Here are the answers to the questions above: d, d, b, b...just in case you were wondering:)

Beyond table manners, manners in general are about showing basic values---thinking about how you would like to be treated and act accordingly.

You are really empowering yourself and your child when you have paid attention to good manners. Children have a sense that they are in charge of how they act when they understand manners...and that is a goal of good parenting, I think.

Teaching manners starts early on with the basic lesson that nothing should be done or said that could possibly hurt someone else...their body or their feelings.

So as we are focused on being 'intentional' this year, we will be 'intentional' in thinking through good manners this week.