Friendships. . . a week and a day late

Well, I must admit, I dropped the ball. I was suppose to write last Wednesday and here we are a week and a day later and I am just getting to it now. Does it help that I have a good excuse? I was with my friends. Twice a year a group of friends and I head up north for a weekend of scrapbooking. I absolutely love scrapbooking, but I love getting away with my friends even more. It is a time to leave the to-do lists at home and relax together. I once read a quote that went something like this:

"The most useless day is that in which we have not laughed."

I think that is what I enjoy most about my weekends away with my friends. We laugh. Sometimes because we share stories about our children, sometimes because we are reading other people's blogs and sometimes just because we are so tired everything seems funny. No matter the reason, I always feel better after a good laugh. So as I am back into the daily grind this week, I am grateful as I think back to last weekend and the time I was able to spend laughing with my friends.

Relationships...

Life is all about relationships...with God and with others.

When building friendships, the Bible says it best: "She who walks with the wise, grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm."

You are who you hang out with. I have reaped the consequences of this truth in my life. I used to hang onto friendships because of convenience or habit. I didn't see the need to break off a relationship with anyone because I thought the more friends I had, the better. When I saw that I was becoming who I was hanging out with...and not liking that result, I became more discerning in who I spent time with.

I have had to scrutinize my friendships to see if who I was investing time in was really a friend who was encouraging me in my relationship with the Lord. Was she encouraging me in my relationship with my husband? Was she really a woman of character and not just appearance?

"Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are." I like to ponder this thought every year around my birthday. When I hear from my friends thru cards and calls, I am anxious for the future, hoping to become a better person because they are encouraging me by being who they are.

Better With Age

Know what gets better with age?

Friendships!

This week I am distracted by my friends. I intended to write more about friendship, but I have been sharing my days with friends instead of sitting behind a computer! This is my birthday week and I am continually humbled and thrilled to hear from my friends each time my birthday rolls around. Cards, calls, lunches, happy Birthday Wishes...all remind me of how special my friends are.

I have kept a journal about friendships over the years. It's not as complete as I would have liked it to be by now, but I wrote down thoughts and quotes that helped me through difficult relationships and helped me work on the friendships that I cherished.

Here are just a few of my thoughts:

"Living without sharing one's life is a wasted life"

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances thru life he will soon find himself alone. A man, sir, must keep his friendships in constant repair." (Samuel Johnson)

"Friendship is shared area. If there is no simultaneous, glad sharing of the same space, there is no friendship.
If there is no stuff enthusiastically held in common, the best you can hope for is acquaintance.
If there is no over-lapping of interests, there is no foundation for friendship."

Friends!

One week til Easter...a time for friends and family. It's a good time to consider my friends and all they mean to me.

Quite awhile ago I heard Susan Andringa talking about her book, Esteemed Journey. She asked a question that is perfect for this time of year. She was talking about friends and asked who was important in my life. She asked a powerful question when it came to choosing friends;

"Who is in your life that would be willing to die for you?"

Does that grab your attention? It did mine.

She went on to say that we have 'balcony' people in our lives and 'basement' people in our lives. It is important to identify who is who?

'Balcony friends' are friends who cheer you on. They are rooting for you and celebrate your successes.

'Basement people' are people in your life that just may be there, but not necessarily people you choose to speak into your life. They have a tendency to grab your ankles and pull you down.

I like that visual and I listed 5 friends that I consider 'balcony people'. These are friends I want to listen to.

If I ask the question, "Who is willing to die for me?" Jesus Christ has already proven His love for me. He died for ME. He needs to be #1 on my list of balcony people.

Interesting exercise just before Easter, huh?

Who do you listen to the most?

Who do you try to please?

Who would you be willing to die for?

Easter and friends...give it some thought this week.

Chloe update

Thank you for your prayers!

Chloe's health has improved! The doctors said her second set of x-rays looked great - no more bowel issues and no surgery needed. What an ANSWER to prayer.

She is still having eating challenges - gagging and vomiting up her food so please continue to pray for that. She has gained 2 oz due to an IV but she needs to learn how to eat on her own. As soon as she can eat regularly, and she starts gaining more weight, she can go home.

My friends have waited so long to be parents - pray with me that they can go home soon to begin parenting Chloe at home and celebrating her life!

Baby Chloe

Hi friends,
It isn't often that I post a prayer request (in fact, I'm not sure I ever have) but tonight's the exception. I just returned home from the local Children's Hospital and Baby Chloe needs some prayer!

My dear friend Jeri Anne and I have both had a long journey to motherhood and have become close friends during the past two years. Many of you may have read the Mother's Day letter I wrote to Jeri Anne in May to honor her love and care of foster children.

Yesterday at 1:11 p.m. Jeri Anne got to hold her baby girl, Chloe Johannah, after she was delivered by an amazing 16-year-old girl named Elsa.

Chloe is precious, beautiful and an absolute miracle from God! Her names means blossom of God's grace.

However, it was discovered today that Chloe is having eating problems and has some possible obstruction in her bowel. She was airlifted to the Children's Hospital where she is currently. We will find out in the morning if she needs surgery for her bowel.

We are PRAISING GOD for the life of this sweet baby girl, and the miracle she is to Jeri Anne and her family. We are also PETITIONING God for her healing and a quick recovery.

Please pray with me dear friends and readers for Chloe's health, protection and for God to work miraculously in this situation. Pray that Jeri Anne and her husband can rejoice in the miracle of Chloe's birth and take her home very soon.

Thank you!

A bucket full of sadness

Some people hide their pain. When they've experienced a loss they shut down, hold the hurt inside and try to make it through the day believing in time it will hurt less.

Some people are very private and only share their pain with a select few people with whom they deeply trust.

I, on the other hand, am not necessarily a private person. And when I experience pain and heartache, I need to tell others. I need their prayers. I do not want to walk the road of loss alone.

Here is the quote I tried to reference Tuesday about tears. It explains what is on my heart about others grieving alongside us. This is the quote word-for-word from the author:

So many people are afraid to bring it up. They don’t want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people: “Don’t worry about crying in front of me or be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you what you’ve touched me in a place that is meaningful to me- and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief.”

In fact, it is those who shed their tears with me that show me we are not alone. It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is like they are taking a bucket full of sadness and carrying it for me. It is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.

Loss is a part of life and as women we have no choice but to learn how to deal with it. If you feel awkward about another's loss, my advice is simple: get over it. It's not about you anyway.

Here's one last quote that's a gentle reminder about our role in times such as these: "It's not so much what you say to someone grieving, but who you are for that person in his or her crisis."

Do you know who you are when crisis hits? Don't wait another day to find out.

Healthy Habits

Everyday it seems I struggle with so much to do. I always have a to-do list a mile long. I think that's just my personality :) I have continually been challenged to come up with a 'system' for my to-dos.

I tend to write notes everywhere but I drive myself crazy. Last year I created an Excel document for my to-do list and I had column for everything I needed/wanted to do. The bar across the top of the page says: Tasks, Projects, Cards, E-mail, Call, Gifts, Errands.

While I am currently not using this system (I am using a to-do notebook right now), it does reflect my priorities.

I am a girl who has a constant list of projects to do, I communicate very well and often via e-mail, and I love giving gifts so I made a column for that.

Writing notes and cards is also a priority. But I often forget. Or the urgent crowds out the important. Or I am out of stamps. Or I think of it in the car and then I forget when I'm at home.

I've discovered if it is a priority in my life I need to create a system to make it work. I love getting handwritten notes and cards. And I love sending them.

I have a binder with all my addresses, stamps and a box with cards and envelopes. I still don't write as often as I should, but I'm better than I was.

It takes effort and energy to build habits. But isn't writing a note filled with words of gratitude, affirmation or encouragement a habit worth building?

Want to be Classy?

I was a young girl when Jacqueline Kennedy was the First Lady living in the White House. Much was made of her appearance and her fashion statements. She set the trend for women. As the years went by, her influence went deeper. She was applauded for her skill as a single mother, she went to work as an editor and she was given credit for her achievements as well as her beauty.

She had a passion for writing. Not only as an editor, but in her personal life as well. Her love of a hand-written note was her signature of sorts. People who were close to her said she left a box of stationery on her desk when she attended social affairs to remind herself to send a thank you note within 24 hours of the function.

She was a firm believer that a note needed to be hand-written to give the recipient the proper respect that was deserved after hosting a get-together. Her note would express appreciation for the invitation and the event, but she would also use the note as an opportunity to convey how she felt about that person.

Jackie said back then that proper etiquette was becoming less and less important and she felt a hand written letter was one way to insure that proper habits were in place.

If Jacqueline Kennedy, as First Lady, found time to write notes of appreciation and personal correspondence, I am encouraged to keep a box of stationery on my desk as well. I have heard it said that sending a thank you note is a touch of class. I would challenges all of us women to strive for proper etiquette by sending personal notes and thank you cards...not only because it is the classy thing to do, but because it is the right thing to do as well.

One of a kind

I love this quote from a small booked titled The Art of the Handwritten Note by Margaret Shepherd:

“If you receive a note, you can enjoy the ritual of opening it with the sure knowledge that although you cannot know exactly what it will say and how it will look, you can already guess at who wrote it and know that it is one of a kind, that it is meant only for you, and that you are worth the effort it took. Inside that envelope is evidence that someone wants to be in touch with you for some very good reason. And that’s one of the greatest human experiences; receiving the gift of another person’s attention.”

Isn't that a beautiful quote? We all desire the gift of another person's attention and what better way to tell someone you deeply care about them than to write a note, card or letter telling them so?

Of course, you can always send an e-mail. It's fast and easy. But there is something about taking the time to personally handwrite a card or note.

Do you have a one-of-a-kind person in your life? A sibling, a parent, a spouse, a friend, a mentor, or a colleague who deserves the time and attention of a handwritten note?

A few meaningful sentences about what the recipient means to you can encourage and bless. Let them know you are praying for them, or thinking of them or just that you cherish their friendship and are thankful for their presence in your life.

I believe you'll be blessed in the process as you ponder the one-of-a-kind relationships in your life....

Honoring a dear friend...

Typically Fridays are Home Improvement days where we assign weekend homework. But today I've got something else on my heart that I want to share.

With Mother's Day on Sunday it's only appropriate that we acknowledge this special day. And this year I want to honor a dear friend of mine who deserves to be wished a Happy Mother's Day more than anyone I know.

She has been a foster parent to three little children this past year hoping to adopt them. God has had other plans and those plans did not include for her and her husband to become their parents. It has been heart-wrenching and so painful to see the road she has walked this past year as she longs to be a mom and has cared so graciously for the little ones God has placed in her arms.

So I've written her a letter. I commend her this Mother's Day. And I challenge myself, and all women, to strive to follow her example with any children we are blessed to encounter in our lives.

Dear Jeri Anne,

I’ve been debating about whether or not to send you a Mother’s Day card. I chose not to because I thought it might be tough to receive, but I truly believe that you deserve to have one. You have been a mother for nearly a year now to three different children! You have loved and cared and fought for their health and safety. And you’ve done it all without knowing the end of the story….and right now without having a little one of your own to care for.

You’ve gone beyond just meeting their physical needs. You’ve met their emotional needs as well and you’ve shown these little children what it’s like to be loved. I will never forget hearing Demi tell you "Jesus is alive!" after we taught her the resurrection story for the Sunday School lesson. It is because of your dedication and commitment that these children know that there is a God who loves them…even when their parents haven’t loved them.

You've lived out what it means to be a mom: doctor's visits, late night feedings, sick kids, scrapbooking memories, losing sleep, shopping for them, celebrating birthdays, teaching them, bringing them to church, and so much more.

You inspire me. You make me want to be the kind of woman who gives my all. You are selfless and courageous and tough as nails. I know some days it doesn’t seem like that, and some days the pain is overwhelming and your heart is raw, but beneath it all you have endured, persevered, and sacrificed.

I love you dearly friend and I’m praying this weekend that you would know that there are little children in this world who are blessed because God brought you into their lives.

Happy Mother’s Day to a woman and a friend who exemplifies all that it means to be a mom!

Stacy

Thanks For the Memories...

Yesterday was my friend's birthday! I have sent her a birthday card for over 50 years!!! We grew up together but weren't particularly close. Sandy lived on my block and occasionally I would play at her house and she would come over to mine. We had dogs in common. My family owned a big, beautiful collie and Sandy absolutely adored our dog.

For some reason, we just kept sending each other birthday cards as we grew up! It didn't surprise me to learn that she has become the proud owner of 5 dogs (3 collies, all at one time!).

As I sent off a card to her on Monday, I enclosed a little clipping about getting older and wrote a brief paragraph about what I was up to. I realize with each passing year how precious it is to be able to send a card off to her. Memories beyond measure fill me up as I look for her address. Abit of nostagia and wonder are written at the bottom of my card as I realize how quick the years pass and how a simple habit...sending a birthday card, has anchored me to my past and made me appreciate the fleeting years.

I am looking forward to receiving a card from Sandy in a couple of weeks when my birthday rolls around again. If someone had told me the impact of receiving a card from a friend each year, I probably would have agreed with them. If someone had told me the impact of sending a friend a card each year, I am not sure I would have understood...until I discovered for myself the treasure of sending off a card filled with memories and remembrances of my childhood, that only Sandy can appreciate.

Any chance you have a friend you may want to send a birthday card to this year...and for the next 50 years?!

Get Ready!!

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day! There probably isn't another source around that will remind you to get ready and play a trick on someone you love. Not a cruel and unusual trick, just something that will make them have an old-fashion belly-laugh!

It takes 74 muscles to frown, 14 muscles to smile, so get ready for a face lift tomorrow and laugh along with someone!

If you have kids, get them involved in surprising daddy with something that will make him laugh. Be careful in picking your joke so that it will cause everyone to laugh at the joke, not at a person. Children naturally will laugh at another person, this is a good day to teach them to laugh along with one another.

No time to plan a good joke? No time to laugh? Better check your priorities then, because tomorrow is a day to laugh! Back in Martin Luther's day, he used a form of humor as therapy. He advised people not to "isolate themselves but to surround themselves with friends who could joke and make them laugh."

So this April Fool's Day...tomorrow...play a joke on someone that will make that person laugh. Consider it therapy.

Well worth it...

In Barb's posting yesterday she wrote: "Any relationship worth holding on to takes work."

Amen!

In this season of life when things are busy (when aren't they busy???), it is REALLY hard sometimes to take the extra time and effort to pursue friends.

It would be so easy to get caught up in our daily lives and the people we frequently see and forget about the friends we don't see or talk to regularly.

But I have learned - after some hard lessons - that those friendships are worth holding on to. They may look different, they may have a different feel, and they take work. It takes extra effort to call, e-mail, send a card or get together. It takes planning and persistence because your lives don't intersect regularly.

But those friendships are priceless. Those memories are invaluable. And the work is well worth it.

A Great Questions To Ask Yourself:

In my last posting I shared a statement I heard from Chip Ingram:

"Everyone acts in a way that makes sense to them"

He followed that up with a question:

"What is the most generous explanation behind their behavior?"

Wow, what a great question. When I have had the presence of mind to ask this question, it has allowed me to cut the other person some slack. I don't find myself 'rushing to judgment.' As I try to formulate a 'generous explanation', I put my energy into a positive frame of mind rather than holding on to a critical, unforgiving spirit.

Having shared these 2 great tips with you, I need to share a disclaimer as well. Difficult people, dashed expectations, unmet expectations, marriage, friendships, any relationship that is worth holding on to takes work. I have not mastered the fine art of relationships! Stacy and I have shared some good things that we have talked about together and I know it all works, but it is a constant discipline to put this knowledge into practice.

I have found myself sharing some of these insights this month with a guilty conscience. A little knowlege 'puffs up'. I realize I may have some good knowledge that I have learned along the way, but what good is it if I don't apply it...daily. All that we have shared this month is just a reminder to myself to continue to grow as a friend, a wife and a woman.

How are you doing in this area of building healthy relationships? We can all benefit from a 'little help from our friends'!

Seek first to understand

Habit 5 of Stephen Covey's book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is "Seek first to understand."

That seems like valuable advice for many relationships, and especially for friendships.

When I think of friendships in my life, there are definitely some friendships where I need to step back and first try to understand. As Barb mentioned, putting yourself in their shoes is a good place to start. Asking for help in understanding where they are coming from can be invaluable.

With my personality I want to offer advice, give solutions, create answers for problems. I immediately decide in my head what’s wrong or what could be different.

That’s not my place. And sometimes it’s not even my business.

So instead I just need to step back and seek to understand by listening, observing and asking questions.

If I am annoyed or disappointed or frustrated, those are the last things I want to do. But if the friendship is important to me, it’s worth first seeking to understand.

Difficult People....

We all have them in our lives. Did someone come to mind when you read the title of today’s blog? How have you handled the difficult people in your life?

I worked with a difficult person for several years. She was very opinionated, very judgmental and very out spoken. She scared me to death! If I tried to be nice to her, she would fault me when I didn’t measure up to her demands. When I ignored her, she bad-mouthed me to others. When I tried to shed a different light on her opinions, she nailed me to the wall with arguments I couldn’t defend.

She was a difficult person for me to get along with. The trouble was that I had to get along with her because she was my co-worker and every day was spent with her. She was older than me and her experience out-weighed any insight I might have on how to do our jobs.

What to do? I stayed out of her way as much as I could. I agreed with her. I acted like I was her cheer-leader, completely sacrificing my better judgment… I didn’t know what else to do. I simply wanted to survive.

Ahhhh, what the years have taught me!

Not really, I had to hear some teaching first that helped me gain perspective. Chip Ingram, an author and teacher, made a statement:

“Everyone ACTS in a way that makes sense to them”

That stopped me in my tracks.

I really never spent time thinking about the perspective of this co-worker. I just reacted and went into survival mode. The truth of this statement became evident to me as I stayed in touch with that person long after I stopped working with her. Our paths crossed and she continued to reach out to me. I learned about her personal life and I saw her in a different light other than just as a co-worker. It took time and patience to try to ‘walk in her shoes’ but it made a difficult situation easier and I learned more about myself and my rush to judgement as I learned more about her.

Who is the difficult person in your life? Try pulling on her/his pair of shoes today and become a student of that person rather than a judge.

80/20 Rule...Homemaker's Homework!

I read once that a woman will marry a man when she is happy with about 80% of what he is all about. The other 20% she just disregards...until after the wedding. It is after the wedding that she brings out the disgusting 20% and starts to pick away at her husband's shortcomings. The article went on to say that little if any of that 20% will ever change.

OK, ladies, I'm am sharing this info with you in hopes that you drop your EXPECTATION of changing your man. This week we have talked about expectations. Often we are disappointed by others and have dashed expectations or unmet expectations, but what about the expectations we put on others?

Whether you are married or not, use this weekend to focus on what expectations you have of the people in your life.

If you are married, make a list of the 80/20% that you see in your man. Tally up all the good stuff and hang that on the frig up until Valentine's Day. Let him know that list is about him! That you love him and these are just some of the reasons why!

Dwell on the 80% and drop your tendency to change the 20%.

If you are not married, do this exercise with the name of a close friend. It will be good preparation for you when you are married. Dwell on the good stuff. That is what makes for a healthy relationship.

Besides, we all have 20% of our own baggage to work on!

Ask "What", not "Why"

I still remember the first time I had to deal with 'dashed expectations' in my life. Someone close to me did not react in the way I 'expected'. They did not walk along side me like I had 'expected'. I remember being filled with anger and grief. I felt like that person had actually dropped off my radar because I couldn't imagine them in any other role than that of support and understanding.

I struggled with those 'dashed expectations' for months. I wanted that person to say they were sorry. I wanted that person to wake up and see where I was coming from. I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. But I knew my relationship with this person would never be the same.

I spent time analyzing the relationship. I re-constructed the conversations. I asked 'why', over and over again, trying to make sense of why this relationship was not working.

When answers didn't come I knew I needed to take a different approach. I began asking 'what' instead of 'why'. That made all the difference in the world. Now I could get some answers. Asking 'why' in a situation that I couldn't understand in the first place got me no where. Asking 'what' enabled me to stand back and see what I could have done differently. What I may not have understood. What might restore our relationship. It all helped me put the emphasize on what I could control.

When you deal with unmet expectations, dashed expectations or unrealistic expectations, don't waste time like I did, asking 'why'. Move on and ask 'what' and see if that doesn't bring some clarity and hopefully resolution to a broken relationship.

Life is Fragile...Handle with Prayer

I must comment on the collapse of the bridge on 35W over the Mississippi River. I listened to the news the first night of the tragedy, but I have been on the go and I haven't watched the news over the last 24 hours. I am reminded of it as I go about my work, however, as everyone is talking about it and mentioning what they did first when they learned of the disaster. I think everyone I have spoken with said they 'called everyone in their family and touched base with their friends.' I don't need to write about the impact that something like this makes on our lives. It reminds us to consider our LIFE and what a precious gift that is. Since we posted about prayer and friends this week, I would really like to encourage any and all of the readers of this blog to comment back a prayer request or just your name and Stacy and I will commit to pray for you. (Sign in as 'Anonymous-1, 2 or 3') if need be. Knowing someone is praying for you will remind you to pray for someone else! Are you too young to remember the plague that hung in many grandmother's kitchens? "Life is Fragile, Handle it with Prayer"...this week was a reminder of just how fragile life can be.
Now go and be thankful for another day.