Pancake powder

A few months ago Betsy and I heard the author of Growing Grateful Kids share some key points from her book. We thoroughly enjoyed Susie's talk and both purchased her book on the spot.

One of her main points is that you cannot impart what you do not possess. You can not pass on gratefulness to your children if you do not have an attitude of gratefulness yourself.

Susie gives the example of having many medical bills and very little money. She recalls walking into her kitchen and only having pancake mix to prepare for her kids. Susie decided to make a very large pancake for her three boys, stuck a candle in the middle and made it a fun memory for all of them.

Susie chose gratefulness. Her children were not aware that there wasn't money to buy food. Susie took her role as a mom - provider, protector of their hearts and minds, role model - so seriously that she made pancake powder into a family celebration.

I have thought often of that story recently. While we have so much more food than a box of pancake mix, I desire to protect my young children from the realities of life right now. I don't want them to feel the stress and tension that comes with unemployment. I don't want them to experience fear or insecurity.

I want them to know love, comfort, stability and joy - even amidst the unknown future. So much of that rests on my shoulders. My words, actions, body language, facial expressions...my children can see, hear and sense what is happening around them. 

So I have to choose. Every day I have to choose an attitude of gratefulness. It's up to me to choose to make pancake powder into sweet, sweet memories.

What makes a good mom?

This was a question Barb wanted us to think about as we met this past year. I thought I would share the short list that we came up with as a group.

A good mom is someone. . .

who is okay with being out of balance

who relies on the Lord

listens to the Truth

takes responsibility in ALL areas of her life

who knows herself

who knows her children

who is dependable

and is someone who is a leader not just a manager

What do you think makes a good mom? Share your comments below. . .

Mothering is full of lessons!

I am less than three weeks from my due date and there is one thing I know: I have a lot to learn about what makes a mom good or what makes a good mom.

I believe our society will tell us one thing, our friends might tell us another, books might offer another perspective, Biblical truth yet another.

I feel I have so much to learn about being a mom! Not just a mom of one, but now of two. I love to observe my friends and learn from what I see them saying and doing. I also learn what I don't want to say and do.

Mothering is a role that keeps me on my toes...all day, every day. I often ask God for the strength, energy, grace and patience to be the mom that Samuel needs.

Because what Samuel needs in a mom is different than what Sophia needs, or Maddie needs, or Natalie needs, or Noah needs, etc, etc.

It's so difficult not to compare my role as a mom to my friends. I can learn from them...and ask them for their advice and opinion, but it's an ongoing lesson for me to realize that what my child needs is me - not me trying to copy how my friend parents.

That's a lesson I'm continually learning.

Good Moms

This fall in Homemakers with Hope we are going to be talking about what makes a mom good.

Is that different from what makes a good mom?

What would you say makes a mom good?

Moms have a difficult time doing what they really want to do because they spend their day doing things for others. Everything and everyone takes priority.

Moms who are good realize that. Stacy is realizing that as she prepares for child#2.

She sees that taking care of business now will allow her family that much more enjoyment and comfort in the long run.

Moms who are good know they need to continuously reorganize their priorities.

Home Improvement...Learn to be Present

The Bible gives good instruction on how to be present in the moment. How to really live for today:

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

It's simple truth: There is a time for everything...Everything changes

When I realized that my young son would be chattering in my ear for just a few short years, I embraced that time and began to listen. I began to be present in the moment.

For home improvement this weekend, ponder this truth...everything changes; live in the moment this weekend and learn.

Be Present

Before you can 'show up' in your kids' lives, you first have to 'be present'.

When our first born, Ryan was about 4 years old, he developed into a very talkative little guy. He could win the hearts of everyone because he had something to say to everyone. His bright smile and large vocabulary encouraged everyone to stop and hear him out. At the bank, the grocery store, church and family gatherings, Ryan was a hit!

At home, however, he was like a broken record...talk, talk, talk! It didn't take me long to figure out that I could 'pretend' to listen to him while I actually was planning my week's menu, mentally reorganized my closet or rehearsed a request I wanted to ask my husband that evening.

That was fine with Ryan. As long as I smiled occasionally, nodded my head or gave a grunt, he assumed his words were heard.

I developed some bad habits by doing that. I began tuning out my husband. I began fakng it with my young daughter. I was creating a whole world within my head in order to get through the day without all the chattering and interruptions knocking me off track.

Thankfully, the error of this 'perfect plan' was revealed to me when questions starting coming from my young son. Questions that needed answers. He wasn't going to let me grunt or nod. He wanted my presence...all of it.

I think God designed my first born to be such a talker to teach me this lesson. I was home with my kids, but often not present. Thankfully, God nudged me to change my ways.

I thought about that this weekend as I pondered the impact of 'showing up' at Dan's graduation. I wondered if 'showing up' as a mom would really mean anything if I hadn't learned to be present along the way. To listen. To pay attention. To know what was important to my child. To notice what I was learning in the process.

Be present today in the lives of your loved ones. Only then will it matter if you 'show up'.

The Importance of Showing Up

My husband and I had differing views about visiting our son this past weekend. He was 'graduating' from the Army's Officers Boot Camp in San Antonio, Tx. Dean wanted to see the ceremony. He wanted to compare the Army base and all its components to the Marine base he had served in years ago.

He wanted to encourage Dan in this area of his life as he knew from experience the road Dan was stepping onto.

As much as I wanted to see our son and celebrate this achievement, I also considered the economy and our business and put in my 2 cents that perhaps we should re-consider going.

But Dean found some reasonable airline tickets, rented a car and received bonus points for a hotel from our other son, Ryan, so we made plans to go.

The morning of our flight I saw an article by Ada Alden in our neighborhood newspaper. She is a guest columnist from time to time. She also was an instructor in the 'Mommy and Me' program that I took our 2 oldest kids to when they were preschoolers. She had great influence in my parenting then, and as I read her article, she influenced me once again!

The title of her column was, "The Importance of Showing Up". Her life lesson in this column was simple and direct, "I believe there is great value in showing up and being present. Take time to be with those you cherish...snatch now the moments--moments matter."

Those words echoed in my ears all weekend. As we saw the vast acres of the base, walked the dry, hot fields where PT training was evaluated, shopped the commissary and showed my ID over and over again, I began to once again see the value in 'showing up'. Those moments gave me a glimpse of what Dan's life as a soldier was like.

Somewhere along the line, parenting changes. It becomes more a matter of spending time with those you love and cherish.

"Showing up" is what teaches you about the people you love.

'Showing up' is what you get to do as a parent.

The role of marriage in parenting

I was listening to a couple authors recently who were discussing the role marriage in parenting. What they had to say was pretty profound:

"The strength of the parent/child relationship is dependent on the quality of the husband/wife relationship. You might always strive to be a sacrificial mother, but you will never be a better mom than what you are as a wife."

Did you get that? The quality of the mother/child relationship is dependent on the quality of the husband/wife relationship.

The two go hand in hand! I can try to be a great mom, but if my relationship with Ryan is lacking, so will my relationship with my kids. Kids need to know that their parents are in love and committed to one another. They need to feel it. They need to see it.

The authors went on to say, "When you put the husband/wife relationship on the back burner in the name of good parenting, the kids will ask - how are mommy and daddy doing? They need to know parents love each other."

This is exactly what I needed to hear. As I get ready to enter into a season of chaos and business with two little ones, I want to make sure my marriage is not put on the back burner. My time and energy will not be evenly split, but I can still strive to make sure my marriage is first priority...and that I am a great wife so I can be a great mom!

Home Improvement...Pray for our Children

"Whether you have biological children or not, we are all spiritual mamas to somebody, and we can be praying—single women, childless women, women with a quiver full of children, women who’ve never had any children—God has put us in the position of being true women for children through prayer." (Janet Parshall, talk-show host and speaker)

What a perfect Home Improvement challenge for this weekend. We are all 'spiritual mamas to someone' so on this Mother's Day weekend let's commit to pray for our children.

List the children that God has brought into your life...nieces, nephews, grandkids, sons, daughters, perhaps neighbors or kids of friends. Pray for these children by name every day for the rest of the month of May. Sounds simple, right...so why aren't we doing it on a daily basis all year long?

Time to improve our homes, 'spiritual mamas', and Happy Mother's Day to all!

The year I skipped Mother’s Day

Our church asked me to write an article for our Sunday program for Mother's Day. I thought I would share it here...


The year I skipped Mother’s Day
by Stacy May

One year ago today I could not face the reality that another Mother’s Day was upon us. My dreams of motherhood were unfulfilled, and I did everything possible to avoid facing the day that so many families celebrated. My husband and I enjoyed a lazy and relaxing Sunday morning. We didn’t go to church and we didn’t see our families.

Proverbs 13:12 says, “A hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Last year my heart was desperately sick. For nearly three years my husband and I had walked the road of infertility and miscarriages.

We lost our first little one at 10 weeks in July 2006. For the next two years we struggled to conceive again. We pleaded with God. We begged God. We petitioned God. But His answer was no. His answer was, “Wait on me.”

Waiting is hard. It’s full of questions, doubts, and fears.

And for me, the pain of waiting was magnified one year ago today when everywhere I looked I was reminded that others were celebrating a gift that God had not yet given to me. Mother’s Day 2008 represented the tender reality that my womb was still empty. I was 32. It had been 22 months since our miscarriage and my heart was bitter, broken and hardened.

Last summer led me on a journey of dealing with the resentment, anger and bitterness that had taken root in my heart. This was difficult, yet necessary, as I longed to walk in the freedom of God’s grace and forgiveness.

And finally, in August of last year, I discovered I was pregnant. Surely this was God’s blessing as a result of the healing that had taken place in my heart. At 7 weeks we heard a beautiful heartbeat. But at 9 weeks we were told, for the second time, our baby had died in my womb.

My dreams of motherhood vanished as quickly as they had come. And another bitter root threatened to grow.

But in God’s great mercy he didn’t allow that to happen. Just 24 days later God took my waiting and showed me it was not in vain.

On October 4, 2008, we got a call about a baby boy born in Waconia the day before. He was just 24 hours old. Were we interested? We had not started the adoption process, but we jumped in the car and went to the hospital to meet the birth mom. Within an hour she told us she would like us to adopt our son, whom we promptly named Samuel. We took him home two days later.

For seven months we have not stopped praising God for Samuel’s miraculous arrival into our lives. We are in awe of God’s timing and God’s plans for our family. And we continue to live in awe of the author and creator of life: in January we discovered that I was pregnant. Samuel will become a big brother this fall. Our story continues to be a beautiful reminder that despite all of our planning, God alone determines our future.

Today, Mother’s Day 2009, I could celebrate that my future will hold children just 11 months apart. I could celebrate that my battle with infertility has come to an end.

But instead, today I choose to celebrate that God restored my soul…before he restored my circumstances. I celebrate that he healed my heart. I celebrate freedom from the bondage of bitterness. I celebrate the blessing of waiting on the Lord.

Interesting Question...

What is one thing you did well as a mom?

I've been asking that of my friends lately. We all have grown children and often times I hear my friends talk about what they would do differently if they had to do it over again.

When I ask them what they thought they did well, I get a variety of answers:

"I read the Bible and prayed with them daily"

"I think I played with my children alot"

"I read to them"

"I loved them"

I think this is a good question for all moms to ask themselves each Mother's Day. It keeps us fresh. What are we doing well this year as a mom? Depending on your season of life, your answer will vary but that is why it is important to ask yourself, "What am I doing well as a mom?" every so often.

Be specific:

"I've gotten up in the middle of the night to feed or quiet my baby for the past 9 months...I never knew I could do that and live to tell about it!"

"I am handling sibling rivalry this year. It's hard, but I am liking the challenge."

"I am drawing my husband into this parenting thing. Last year I wanted to do everything MY way. I am seeing that being a mom means I am a team player"

You might want to write it down on the back of one of your Mother's Day cards. As long as you are hanging on to the cards, hold on to what you are doing well and then add to that next year.

After 18 years, you might just find that celebrating Mother's Day really has meaning for you!

Motherhood

We are just days out from Mother's Day...

It's so hard for me to believe that I will be celebrating Mother's Day this year! One year ago I couldn't even have imagined that I would have a 7-month old (logistically that seemed impossible!) and be 5 months pregnant this Mother's Day.

Wow...

This role of motherhood still seems so new to me. Some days are good. Some days are hard. Some days I still can't believe I am a "mom." That title is still very foreign to me.

Becoming a mom (very quickly!) has been easy in some ways, and tough in others.

In the movie Marley and Me Jennifer Aniston says about being a mom, “No one tells you how hard this is going to be."

I agree with her. Even when you love it and wouldn't trade it for the world, it is still so hard.

Some days it is hard because it's so routine. Other days its just plain tiring...like this morning when Samuel woke up crying at 4:15 a.m.

But motherhood is more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined! I am not sure I thought that when Samuel was just one month old. He didn't smile. He didn't laugh. He didn't know who I was. I just fed and changed him.

But each day it gets more and more fulfilling as Samuel gets bigger and our bond deepens. I realize I am fortunate to be able to stay home with Samuel and I am so so thankful for that.

This week lets contemplate together the gifts and the challenges of motherhood....

Go change your world

The last phrase of Barb's posting has got me thinking...

Go change your world.

It made me think of a Michael W. Smith song from my younger days.

It made me think of myself and if I believe I can still change the world?

It also made me think of my role as a mother. I have a little guy (and soon another little one) that I have the privilege of molding and encouraging.

Do I have the attitude that I can change the world by raising them?

Do I believe that they can change the world?

Will my words and my actions as I talk to them, mold them, train them, and teach them communicate that I believe they can change the world?

Hmmm...these are good things to ponder as a mom.

Happiness

"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember."

Do you agree with this quote of Oscar Levant?

There is real power in any moment when it is remembered...but I think women can be very good at finding happiness in any given moment because we are emotional and relational beings.

As moms, we need to celebrate often...to experience the happiness at hand and also to store away moments to remember.

I took the liberty to re-write a favorite Hallmark card that was about Fathers;

"This is how you can tell a mom
She is a woman who will play with you even though she has friends her own age to play with!"

Make today a 'happiness day'...play with your kids even if you have friends your own age to play with! Take pictures along the way or write a quick note in your journal so you can continue to experience happiness when you take time to remember.

It's a Boy!

That's what I heard on this day, at this time...33 years ago! Happy Birthday, Ryan!

Every year I pull out Ryan's baby-book and re-live the memories. This morning I read a note an older cousin had written to him. The note ended with;
"I think you're a very lucky kid and good luck in your new life."

33 years later I can say that Ryan was a very lucky (blessed!)kid who met a wonderful girl who he somehow managed to persuade to marry him.

He has needed more than 'luck' from a blarney stone, however to experience the life he has lived up to this point.

If you're a young mom, do you ever wonder what you are going to do when your kids are grown and gone? Well, you will spend alot of time 'remembering' and alot of time praising God that He had His hand in your children's lives and but for His grace, you may not still be standing!

Raising kids is hard...so take time to celebrate along the way. Make their birthdays memorable and then record something special each year so as a mom, you can look back and see how very 'lucky' your child was.

Never let them forget that they are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and that God has plans to give them "hope and a future".

Great Advice

One great tip I received when I was a young mom was to do what I love to do with my children. I think I was complaining at the time, to an older woman, that I really didn't like to play board games.

She responded with a question, "Then why do you play board game with them?"

I thought all good moms played board games.

She went on to suggest that I do what I love to do...with my kids.

It was then that I visited the library more often, because I loved to read.

I played in the wading pool with my kids because I loved to be outdoors and stay cool

I made healthy food with them in the kitchen because I loved to eat

I walked around the lake with them because I loved to walk

I taught them how to play hide and seek because I loved the peace and quiet for a few moments:)

I found that my list of things that I liked to do with my kids was quite lengthy and gave me alot of interaction with my kids. I was a mom with a good attitude because I was doing the things I loved to do...with my kids.

It was great advice then...it is great advice that I pass on to you:)

Are You An Expert?

"The colorized spinal tracts are the fasciculus gracilis, the fasciculus cuneatus, the anterolateral system and the lateral corticospinal tract."

"Huh?" I read the above sentence in one of the books my son was studying. Sentence after sentence had more words I DIDN'T know, than words I recognized. I couldn't even begin to guess what he was learning.

I asked him how he knew what all the terms were and how he could remember it all. "Study", he said simply...and then went back to studying.

He is in his first year of medical school.

When my kids were young, I came across a quote that has become a favorite of mine:
When You Love Someone...Become an Expert of that Person

I reflected on that quote as I stared at Dan's textbooks. How was I going to to become an expert of him as a medical student when I couldn't even pronounce the words he was reading? I realized again, the wisdom of the quote as I focused on the word 'become'.

It's an on-going process to become an 'expert' on someone you love. What I knew about Dan as a toddler was the beginning of understanding him bit by bit over the years. I have had to come along side him on a regular basis in order to see him change and develop.

I won't ever BE an expert of my children. As a mom, I can only attempt to become an expert in becoming an expert of my children.

I can listen.

I can watch them.

I can remember special moments that revealed a special love of theirs.

I can ask questions (but not too many!)

I can pray for them.

I can pray for myself...that I truly am seeking to know them and not just control them.

I can find Bible verses that comfort me or fill up my mind so I don't jump to conclusions that are not wise.

I can laugh with them; I can hug them; I can cry with them; I can learn all I can about what they are learning.

I can tell them over and over again I love them in whatever 'love-language' they hear best.

I can thank God for the time, health and energy He has given me to be my kids' mom.

I can continue to ask Him how I can BECOME more of an expert to my children...no matter what age they are.

What worked then...

doesn't work now....!

That's something that I've learned over the last couple years

When I worked full-time in the corporate world I took a class during lunch where we stretched, lifted light weights and did exercises with a big ball. I was toned!

When I worked from home and lived just a couple blocks from a Snap Fitness my husband and I would work out on a regular basis. Or I would work out during the day. We had no kids and our schedule was our own.

Now I am at home full-time as a mom. I work part-time from home. I don't belong to a club. My time is not my own.

What worked for me in the past will not work for me now. It's not an option for me now to go to the club or take exercise classes whenever I want.

So what's a mom to do?

That's what I'm here trying to figure out. What does my day look like now? Where do I fit in exercise and healthy cooking? It's freezing here in Minnesota so I can't even take my little guy out for a walk.

I look forward to warmer weather and getting out doors but that is months away (unfortunately!).

I'm not sure what healthy living looks like for me in this new season of life. But I'm committed to figuring it out...so I can be the best mom possible.

Love Letters

For Mother's Day this year I gave Barb Love Letters to a Child: A Resource for Parents and Grandparents. I had been hanging onto it for about 6 months waiting to give it to her. I was so excited because I knew she would love it - and she does!

With the arrival of her grandson, this book is a fantastic resource to encourage Barb to write letters to Jonathan.

It is also a wonderful resource for mom/parents with children of any age. I have given it to numerous moms and each one has loved it!

The description on this book says: Writing a love letter to your child takes less than 10 minutes and is an easy and effective way to:
• Affirm your child’s uniqueness as a creation of God
• Bond with your child
• Celebrate and encourage character growth
• Document milestones in your child’s spiritual journey
• Establish a family legacy

This book doesn't tell readers to write lengthy letters to children/grandchildren that record perfectly all their activities and all your dreams and aspirations for them. It's about getting quick thoughts and stories on paper for children to read and know they are loved.

What a privilege to be able to affirm the little ones God has placed in your life today!

Honoring a dear friend...

Typically Fridays are Home Improvement days where we assign weekend homework. But today I've got something else on my heart that I want to share.

With Mother's Day on Sunday it's only appropriate that we acknowledge this special day. And this year I want to honor a dear friend of mine who deserves to be wished a Happy Mother's Day more than anyone I know.

She has been a foster parent to three little children this past year hoping to adopt them. God has had other plans and those plans did not include for her and her husband to become their parents. It has been heart-wrenching and so painful to see the road she has walked this past year as she longs to be a mom and has cared so graciously for the little ones God has placed in her arms.

So I've written her a letter. I commend her this Mother's Day. And I challenge myself, and all women, to strive to follow her example with any children we are blessed to encounter in our lives.

Dear Jeri Anne,

I’ve been debating about whether or not to send you a Mother’s Day card. I chose not to because I thought it might be tough to receive, but I truly believe that you deserve to have one. You have been a mother for nearly a year now to three different children! You have loved and cared and fought for their health and safety. And you’ve done it all without knowing the end of the story….and right now without having a little one of your own to care for.

You’ve gone beyond just meeting their physical needs. You’ve met their emotional needs as well and you’ve shown these little children what it’s like to be loved. I will never forget hearing Demi tell you "Jesus is alive!" after we taught her the resurrection story for the Sunday School lesson. It is because of your dedication and commitment that these children know that there is a God who loves them…even when their parents haven’t loved them.

You've lived out what it means to be a mom: doctor's visits, late night feedings, sick kids, scrapbooking memories, losing sleep, shopping for them, celebrating birthdays, teaching them, bringing them to church, and so much more.

You inspire me. You make me want to be the kind of woman who gives my all. You are selfless and courageous and tough as nails. I know some days it doesn’t seem like that, and some days the pain is overwhelming and your heart is raw, but beneath it all you have endured, persevered, and sacrificed.

I love you dearly friend and I’m praying this weekend that you would know that there are little children in this world who are blessed because God brought you into their lives.

Happy Mother’s Day to a woman and a friend who exemplifies all that it means to be a mom!

Stacy