Trying to understand

"I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace." –Helen Keller

Don't we all desire to understand? There are many things in life I wish I understood better. In relation to the topic this week, here are some things I wish I understood:

Why my friend only had 23 hours with her little boy Harrison before he died.
Why my friend got just one hour with her precious little girl Mia before she died.
Why my friend suffered two miscarriages just three months apart.
Why my friend is not able to get pregnant at all.
Why so many friends have lost little ones in their womb.
Why I miscarried one year ago and haven't been able to conceive since.

My human mind cannot comprehend how these things happen. I struggle. I wonder. I get angry. I get sad. I ask why?

We have a perfect God who knits us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139). So how are imperfect babies conceived? How are imperfect babies created? How are imperfect babies born?

I want to know. I want to understand.

A few months back during a night of worship at my church, I felt God telling me to let go. To surrender. I assumed that meant to let go of my desire for a baby. Surrender my longing to him.

I got mad because I thought, "This desire is from you God and now you are asking me to let it go? You gave me this desire!"

Then I realized that God wasn't asking me to let go of my desire for a baby, but rather to let go of my need to understand. To surrender my questions of "how come, if only and why?"

Isaiah 55:8 says “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

God is God and I am not. It does no good for me to try and understand his ways, his thoughts, his plans.

So, as a woman seeking to be wise, I'm slowing learning to change my prayer. Instead of praying for understanding, I'm praying that God would help me abandon my need to understand. That I would let go of my need to know. That I would have peace.

Because God does not promise understanding which bringeth peace. He promises peace which transcends all understanding.